the road to awe
by Emmasbeanies
Summary: From each POV: A bit of Killian's year in the Enchanted Forest without Emma, leading up through their recent Storybrooke adventures and based on spoilers for next week's episode. I STRONGLY encourage you to listen to the songs "Death is the Road to Awe" and "Stay With Me" from The Fountain soundtrack. It was my inspiration for writing this fic & will enhance your reading of it.
1. Killian

_Finish it._

He sat with his back against the trunk of an oak, looking upwards toward the sky, through branches laced together. Rays of gold fluttered through them, across his eyes. He looked up, waiting to feel something, anything, to ease the pain from the loss of her.

Her.

God, how he ached to see her again. She had gone out of his life as quickly as she had entered it, rolling in like a thundering storm, leaving devastation in her wake. Nothing but dark clouds above and a hopeless emptiness inside.

His fingers twirled the bottle between them, rum swirling inside, matching the ebb and flow of his thoughts. He took one final gulp, the amber drink burning down his throat. As hard as he had tried, he was never able to get her out of his mind. No amount of alcohol could stop that.

His gaze panned over the landscape, across mountains, forest, the golden sky. It reminded him of her, the gold of her hair, the green of her eyes, the strength of her heart.

There was no life without her. This, what he had now, was not living. It was just...existing. It was empty and desperate, like the bottle between his fingers.

_Finish it._

The door swung open before him, and though his eyes beheld her, his heart could scarcely believe it was really her. A year of searching had brought him here, to this place in the strange land called New York.

"Swan?"

One look into her eyes, and he knew. You're not dreaming anymore, pirate. She's here. She's real.

_Finish it._

"You're glad to hear I got my heart broken?"

He thought of the year he spent without her, entirely devastated from their separation. If there was ever a time in his life in which he truly felt broken, that was it. It was if the light had been snuffed out of his life completely.

"If it can be broken, it means it still works."

Surely, she must know. She must know.

She had cracked his heart wide open when they met. He had never expected to meet anyone after Milah was taken from him. He had never expected any of this.

And yet, here he was. She had cracked his heart wide open. She had been the light which poured through the crevices into all of the darkness within. The light had reached into the furthest corner, which had been hidden and kept secret for so long, bottled up and slowly decaying.

Where bitterness and hatred once festered, there now grew something foreign, a sign of life sprouting up beneath the darkness of the soil of his past. Something that he hadn't felt in so long, possibly ever. Surely he'd never felt this strongly about anyone or anything before.

He had resolved to die, once his revenge was complete. But then he met her.

_"You can be a part of something...or do what you do best and be alone."_

Bloody frustrating woman. He had been able to read her so well upon their first meeting. He could see that she was a lonely soul just like himself. But she could read him, too. They always understood each other.

So how was it possible that now, as he stood before her, that she did not understand him? What was different now?

_Finish it._

Baelfire was gone. That boy he had looked after so long ago, who's hair always fell over his bright eyes when he smiled, who looked up to him, who trusted him, was gone.

Everyone from his past was gone. Everyone who he had considered family was ripped from him long before their time. Taken from him without a chance to say goodbye.

With each passing, his heart grew continually hardened. What hope could a man have if everything he stood for, everything he had wanted out of life, was only meant to be taken.

That's what you get for being a pirate. Its only fair.

He could see Bae within the boy. Henry. He saw a lot of Swan, too. Her tenacity, her spark behind his eyes. She was within him. He was as much a part of her as her own skin, and he was determined to love every part of her.

_Finish it._

"You're out of your depth, pirate."

His sword clashed against the wooden panels of the dock, the sound of it echoing around them like the final ring of a bell. Though desperation crept onto his expression, he fought back.

"You'll never win, witch. You're no match for Emma."

Her name on his lips sent a fresh wave of desperation through him. It couldn't end like this. There was no chance for him to say goodbye.

"It's over, my dear." Zelena hissed. "I need a heart. And a heart I shall have."

He tried to step away from her instinctively, but was stopped abruptly by her hand blazing through his chest. He fell to his knees and winced from the pain.

Her nails scratched and tore within him, excruciating pain shooting throughout his chest as she ripped his heart out, past flesh and bone.

He gasped for air as the witch turned the pulsing red organ over in her palms. "Not quite as powerful as the heart of the Savior," she noted, "but it will do just fine."

"What are you going to do with it?" Killian managed to say as he caught his breath.

Zelena bent over and met his gaze.

"I'm going to crush it."

This was it. After 300 years of life, this was it. He had lived a long life, most of it he regretted, but not all of it. He could die with honor, knowing that he was protecting the one thing he cared for, no,**loved**, most in all of the realms. _Swan._

_Death is the road to awe_, or so he was once told. He had never fully understood what that meant until now. His whole life-every heartbreak, every moment of happiness, it was all for her. She had been pulling him through time, to this moment, here and now. His life was meant for her, to save her. And he knew that she was worth every second of it.

Out of death can always come the chance for new life. Light can always shine through the cracks. There is always hope. She gave him that. And now he was giving her that same chance. The chance to live.

Slowly, with as much resolve as he could, he stood up before the witch and looked right at her.

"Well go on, then," he panted.**"Finish it."**


	2. Emma

_Finish it._

She was sitting on her rooftop terrace, enjoying a glass of rum as the sun set over the city. She looked out over the landscape before her, breathing it all in. Her eyes drifted across tall steel wonders, strong and dark against the glow of the sun as it shone around them. They were always present, tough and looming all around her, almost like they were protecting her.

They reminded her of something. Something she couldn't quite put her finger on.

She was a myriad of conflicting feelings tonight. She felt cold, but the alcohol was warming her from the inside. She felt happy with her life, but dissatisfied at the same time. Henry was happy, she had a guy who loved them, her apartment was nice, her job was stable. They were happy. Or at least, she thought so. This was the closest thing to 'happy' she'd ever felt in her life up to this point.

But even though it felt like that, she also felt a sense of dread that she could never escape. Like no matter how good her life was, something bad was coming. She always had her guard up. Just in case.

_Stop looking for things to be bad, Mom_…that's what Henry would say. She decided to make a new resolve for herself, there on the roof. Look for the good moments, Emma. Your life is great. It's not going anywhere.

She took one last gulp of her rum, and went back inside.

Everything was going to be fine.

And it was, until he showed up at her door.

"Swan?"

He was looking at her with an intensity unlike anything she'd ever felt before, and with an unstartling amount of recognition behind his eyes. How did he know her?

She had never seen him before, but there was something achingly familiar about his person. His eyes, his accented voice, even his lips when they hurriedly planted a kiss onto her own, there on the threshold of her doorway. There certainly was something familiar about him. He was tall and strong and dark and…protective.

Regardless, she sent him away with a kick to the groin and a threat to have him locked up. She tried to continue about her business that day…but as much as she tried to make herself believe that the man dressed as a pirate who tried to kiss her was just part of a dream, she couldn't. It had definitely happened. He was real. And she needed to figure out who he was.

_Finish it._

"Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm glad to hear that."

_Seriously?_

"You're glad to hear I got my heart broken?"

She couldn't believe he was trying this, again. Trying to get her to open up to him. And for what? She felt exposed, her mind freezing over, or burning, or _something. _Whatever the feeling was, she didn't like it. He was closer to her now, their breaths intertwining between them, becoming one in a cloud of cold, winter air. This was dangerous, having him this close to her.

"If it can be broken, it means it still works."

_Shit._ His eyes were calling out to her, begging her for some kind of reciprocation. She searched them, knowing full well the truth behind his words. _I love you, please._

No…not now. This was too much. She walked away, leaving him behind in the forest clearing.

Fucking frustrating pirate. It was unnerving how much he understood her, and how much he didn't. It was her own fault, really. She had invited him to be a part of something, and he was still here. Usually, they were gone by now.

Didn't he know that loving her was a death sentence?

_Finish it._

Neal was gone. She had felt his body go limp in her arms, she watched his last breath leave his mouth. She couldn't save him. The father of her child, the first man she'd ever loved, was gone. She had lost him a long time ago, but he was still important to her, no matter what he'd done.

She'd forgiven him, hard as it was. He was just as fucked up as anyone else, trying to do the right things, but letting his fear rule his life. That's what had killed him in the long run. Everything about this sucked, because it didn't have to be that way. Things could have been so different.

But he had loved her once, and loving her was a death sentence.

Everything she'd loved had been taken from her at some point. Her family, Graham, Neal, even Henry at times, her happy life in New York, her innocence. What point was there to opening up your heart to anyone else, when they are only meant to be taken from you?

That's what you get for being the Savior. Your magic comes with a price.

Every time she looked at Henry, she saw Neal. And she didn't even know how to talk to her son about him without giving anything away. She was too hurt, too broken to make any sense. Hook had offered to look after him. She surprised even herself when she told him he could.

She wouldn't say it out loud, but she trusted him.

_Finish it._

She hadn't seen him at all since the night before, when he brought Henry home. She'd left him out there, in the hallway. Later she was thinking about what he said, asking about the fight with the witch, wanting to talk to her about Henry.

"The rest is definitely more than a doorway conversation."

_Then let me in, Swan. _That's what his eyes were saying. They were almost pleading with her.

But no, not tonight. It's not the right time.

It was now evening the next day, and she hadn't seen him since that conversation. This felt strange to her, only because he had been so present for so long. She was used to him always being nearby. Even if she wasn't ready to talk, she was always expecting him to be around.

But not today.

As she walked through town to look for him, she grew more uneasy. Where the hell was he? This was not a good time to be getting lost. The witch was still out there, somewhere…

She had been to every prominent spot in town that he might be. Granny's, the station, her parents house, even Regina's. She decided to try the docks as a last resort.

It was getting dark out. Thoughts kept attacking her as she made her way closer to the docks. _What if he's already hurt? What if she's taken him? What am I going to find when I find him?_

_What if I don't find him?_

She could feel the blood rushing to her head and her fingertips as she fought back tears. It was time she was honest with herself. It was time she was honest with him.

He wasn't just some pirate. He was her friend…**no**, her best friend. If anything were to ever happen to him, she'd by lying to herself if she thought it wouldn't completely devastate her. He was the only person who hadn't left her, who came back for her, who was honest with her. He'd brought back the bean, he'd taken them to Neverland, saved her father, watched over Henry…all for her.

He was just as broken as she was. He'd been through dark times, too. But lately he was the one who had been encouraging her to love, to not act in anger, to open her heart, to breathe.

Everything in her life had been leading her to him. She had been pulled through time just to find him. Every heartbreak, every moment of happiness, it had all been part of her journey that took her to him.

And he wanted her…he'd made that clear. Every part of her: the lost girl, the savior, Emma. He'd always seen her for who she really was.

And deep down, she'd always seen him, too.

As she neared the docks, she heard the clank of something metal, and then she felt a sharp pain shooting through her chest, startling her. Her eyes grew wide when she heard him scream out in pain.

She started running toward the sound as fast as she could, sword at the ready.

She was only feet away from them now. She stood behind a stack of wooden crates and looked onto the dock, just as the witch tore Killian's heart from his chest. He collapsed there in front of Zelena as she snarled at him.

Emma couldn't breathe.

"What are you going to do with it?"

"I'm going to crush it."

Emma had never felt this kind of turmoil-this, tearing, burning, dread completely engulfing her and freezing her feet to the ground where she stood.

She was watching him. He was standing now, hand on his chest where his heart had been ripped out. He looked as if he had come to some sort of decision. He looked…resigned. This wasn't the man she knew…why wasn't he fighting for himself?

"Well go on then," he panted. "**Finish it.**"

_Oh my god. No, Killian. What are you doing?_

The witch laughed. "Why so eager to die, pirate?"

Killian staggered over towards her. In a low growl he said, "Because I have something you'll never have, Zelena."

His statement intrigued the Witch. "What could you possibly have that I would want?"

"Love…" he said. "…**True** Love."

Zelena laughed again. She held his heart up to his face so he could see the darkness within it, glowing red and deep.

"You see this?" she asked. "Your heart is dark. Who would save you? I don't see anyone coming to your rescue…" she said, peering around the docks. "Clearly, you're not worth it."

Killian was fighting hard to push out those thoughts. Instead he snapped back. "It doesn't matter what happens to me. You'll never win, Zelena. Emma will make sure of that."

"Tsk, tsk, pirate. You should have known better not to get tangled up with their sort. Now you're going to die, and not a single one of them will care. Because you're a villain," she sneered, "And villains don't get happy endings. Except for me, of course."

She held his heart up again, and before she began squeezing it, decided to deliver one last final blow.

"You're on your own, pirate. **No one loves you, and now no one ever will**."

As he collapsed to his knees, his scream tore through her. Ringing in her ears, setting her wrath ablaze. Before she knew it, she was standing in the clearing with them.

"STOP!"

Emma's scream alarmed them. Killian looked up at her in disbelief.

They all stood there, on guard, the moment growing more tense with every passing second.

"I do," Emma said, panting. With as much strength as she could gather, she looked at Killian and continued, tears rolling hot down her cheeks. "**I love him**."

His eyes lit up at her, and she had never felt so full.

Emma's gaze turned from him to Zelena's, and her blaze of anger roared up again.

"Give him his heart back."

Zelena casually walked towards her. "You're so pretty, Savior. Too bad you're a damned fool. You're too late. I've already won."

Emma smiled a little, her gaze falling on something behind the witch. "You sure about that?"

A voice from behind the witch startled her. "Think again, Greenie."

Zelena whipped around, just as Regina stunned her with a spell. Killian's heart fell to the ground as he winced in pain.

The witch's eyes were full of hatred. She fought back against the spell, but to no avail.

Regina smiled, victory stretching across her face. "Now, _Sis,_ I believe you have something that belongs to us." And stepping forward, she ripped the Dark One's dagger from underneath Zelena's cloak.

"Now, as much as I'd like to take care of you myself," Regina started, "I think there's someone else who'd like that chance. Dark One," she said as she raised the dagger before her eyes. "I summon thee!"

In an instant, Rumpelstiltskin was there with them. When he realized who had summoned him, a sly smile spread over his face.

"Hello, dearie," he said as he stepped up to Zelena. "It looks like your time is up."

He looked up at Regina, and then Emma, who nodded at him to go ahead.

"Finish it!"

The Witch collapsed, and as she did, her body turned to ash, floating away in a cloud of green smoke. She was gone.

The group collectively sighed in relief, and cheers erupted from all. Emma ran over to where the witch had been, and scooped up the pulsing red heart.

She ran to him, and knelt down before him. Hands shaking, she pushed his heart back into his chest, past flesh and blood and bone. He gasped for air, and as he came back around, they smiled at each other, laughing in disbelief.

Emma wrapped her arms around his neck, almost knocking him over, tears of joy rolling hot down her cheeks.

"I thought I'd lost you," she whispered into his ear.

She felt his kisses in her hair, his arms wrapping tighter around her. Surely he must know, now.

She was his. He was hers.

They always would be.


End file.
